Friday, August 22, 2008
If The World's At Large Why Should I Remain? ♥ 8:30 PM
Well hello.
I'm writing from my new dorm room. I don't have internet access right now, so I'm writing in WordPad since I don't have Microsoft Word or anything. So, I'll post this as soon as I get my laptop set up for wireless internet here at the school.
I woke up at 9:30 this morning, which was when I was suposed to leave for Clinton. Oops. I ended up getting here at 11. Shitty. But I got most of my stuff in my room. I got all but two bags of stuff [which are still in my car, in front of St Claire hall] into my room by about 5:30. Ma and I had dinner in the cafeteria after that, and then I was left alone. It's been a very busy day, and I'm fucking exhausted.
I have managed to unload about six boxes of random shit. Almost all of my books are on the shelf, my coffeemaker, fridge, toasteroven, and microwave are all hooked up. I've got cookies, breakfast sammiches, juice, milk, creamer, pop, and water in my fridge. Oh, and butter and cream cheese. And one of the drawers in my closet has chips, bagels, spaghetti-os, and cereal. All of my posters are on my walls. My towels, bathroom shit, school shit, well, all of my random stuff is pretty much put away. I even have some cute black rugs in my room. All I still have to do tonight is put my hoodies and shirts on hangers. Tomorrow, Ma and Gail are coming in to help me set up some shelf things for my bathroom.
So, I feel very alone. I'm sick. I have to sleep on this shitty small bed that is six feet in the air, and I have no friends here and no myspace. I could stay out as late as I want to, but I have no reason to stay out late. I was so excited last night, and now I feel more alone than ever before. It hurts...it really does. So, I'm gonna put in a movie, and hang up my shirts and stuff. Later I'm gonna go out to my car and get my paper bag full of cups and coffee and shit so I can make sure I have coffee tomorrow. Right now, I'm making some oatmeal raisin cookies to have with some milk while I cool down. Clinton has been humid and cloudy and rainy-ish all day, so I've been super over-heated and sick from over working my body all day in this horrible humidity. It doesn't help that I'm pretty lonely. My dorm is cute....even though the assholes here at Ashford moved me to smaller room without notifying me until today. They said it was for someone who was handicapped. HOW THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY KNOW SOMEONE WAS HANDICAPPED UNTIL JUST TODAY? Holy shit am I pissed. I will watch that bitch that stole my room to make sure she's fucking handicapped too. Don't fucking doubt it. And instead of giving me a bigger room to make up for the fact that my room got changed, they moved me to a tiny ass room. Like, a bathroom sized room. My mom and I were so pissed.
I guess I have to deal. Just like all the shit that has gone down in my life lately. School better be fucking dank or I'll be pissed. But, I have pictures of all my friends around me, and I have comfort food and movies and my room smells yummy and I've been sneaking smokes in my room. I'm doing ok I think. I even bought some GellyRoll gel pens today. The kind I used to obsess over when I was at fredstrom. I wish I had a reason to use them.
Well, I'm gonna try and get the rest of this shit done before my meds kick in and I pass out. I'll post this when I get internet, and probably write more out of boredom. Hope everyone is doing well.
Love Always,
Cherry.
The End.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
It's Been Agreed The Whole World Stinks ♥ 8:28 PM
So no one's taking showers anymore.
So, tomorrow at 10am I move into my dorm! No more moody drama from my mother, no more stract rules from KB, no more beatings from Brady, no more bratty-ass Rylee. I am so excited. I can't wait to get away from here. Especially since my mother and KB have been in the shop ALL night fighting. From like 4 till 8:30. It's sick. Brady and I made our own dinner, and just sat around because we were too afraid to interrupt them.
I can't wait to have my tiny ass dorm. Tomorrow I'm moving all the boxes and bags into my room, and my mom is going to help me raise the bed up higher. And after that, I get to spend all day decorating my dorm room! Classes start Monday and I can't wait.
I'm finally excited to start meeting new people. Hopefully parties don't take too long to show up. Parties with my kinda people, not some sad excuse for a party at some nigger's trailer with rap blarring in shitty speakers. A real party. And new friends to hang out in my tiny dorm with. And homework to do. Oh my god. I cannot wait. I need this.
I'm going to go pop a few vicodin, and maybe I'll end up writing something later.
Goodnight,
Cherry.
The End.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve. ♥ 11:15 AM
I never remember the dreams I had at night. If I ever happen to wake up in the morning and fall back asleep and then wake up again shortly after, I ALWAYS remember my dreams. Or, mental visions. Most of my dreams are always negative, in a general sense.
So this morning I wake up about 8:30 or something, and then I woke up again at 11. I had a dream! And holy shit, it was weird. I'll tell you what I remember:
So, I'm in a town or city. Very, historic looking. Think, Historic Haymarket [Lincoln or Omaha stylee] meets like underground-scene Paris meets Gotham City. Most of the buildings are brick. Plenty of bride-overpass-things. Streelights are orange but somewhat green, it seems. Lots of changes in level of the sidewalk, like, actualy sets of like 10 to 15 stairs and stuff. Very beautiful. Reminds me of the downtown after-hours scene in a movie when drunk college kids are heading home and the drug addicts are just now waking up. It's weird, I know.
So I'm with this girl. Dark, thin, straight hair. Very shallow in what she sees around her. Dark, badly done eye makeup. Black liner that is way too thick, and a dark red eyeshadow with an outline is a black-grey around the crease if her eyelid. She used black eyeliner to finalize the outline of her eyebrows, and she wears too-dark lipstick for her clothes. Think Laina M, if you knew her from North Star or Hoodrich, meets uhhh I'm not sure. But if you know her, you know what I'm talking about. The girl who reads vampire books like Bibles, and listens to Evanaescne or whatever, and thinks dark lipstick is the sexiest thing in the entire world. Shit like that. So we're at a place that looks like Super Saver's candy section. Just an open area with barrells full of different kinds of candy and sweets. Well, under a cement over-pass with brick buildings and brick streets, the halogen streelights brazingly lighting all the rows of barrels that were full of ICE CREAM. [I don't like ice cream.] But it was like skee-ball in a way. These rows of skee-ball looking machines but you put a bowl or cone or bucket in this area in the front and insert coin after coin and the machine squirts out the slected amount into your bowl of choice. They had flavors that reminded me of JellyBellys. Like, gourmet flavors and shit.
Well Laina and I are walking around trying to decide what flavors to get in our mini-buckets to take home. And some of the halogen lights start flickering and shit. Not in an eerily, creepy, scary movie kinda way. Just a, uh, I don't know. But it's not too scary. All of a sudden, a Joker-esque character yells my name. He's standing down a road. There's only two streetlights, one above me [my friend was gone] and one above him and his 'friends' or whatever you'd call them. He's got a female and a couple other guys next to him. All were distinct in someway, I could tell. As if they had a special talent, or super power, or reason for being there. I don't remember everything this Joker-esque man said to me. But I remember being asked things like "How 'bout this?" and "Try this!" but that was only AFTER I was being chased.
Many of my 'negtive dreams' include me being chased. Just know that. I am constantly being chased by SOMETHING. I have been chased by police officers, by scary men who want to kill me [that look like the guy from Disturbia], I have ran from giant rabbits, from my best friends, you name it. But this time I'm running from a guy who looks like the guy in Hitman or whatever. Bulky-ish, bald, bad-ass looking, stubble, with sweet guns. I'm running from him. Running, in and out, around and through pillars and streetlights and alleyways and streetlights. He's shooting at me. I'm running as though I'm ALWAYS running against very high winds. There's always resistance when I'm running. I can never ever run to my full potential yet I'm pushing as hard as I can. I'm running, and struggling against something to always get away. But this man is shooting at me. The sweet thing is, I'm pulling some Parkour shit running little curves up onto the side of walls of buildings and jumping and grabbing wires, and streetlights and shit. I even jumped off of a little ledge that was decorated with a bench and pretty pink flowers [fake ones]. In between the two benches was like, an 8 foot wide set of stairs. About 15 stairs. I just jumped onto the bench and leaped. I pulled both legs to my right, and tossed them over the flowers. I was falling closer to the cement ground, and tucked myself into a ball. CRACK! The guy had fired at me and missed and hit the flowers I had tried not to ruin. Soon he stopped following me, but I kept going. Soon, standing underneath the only streetlight within a three block radius is this girl. She had pigtails and a cute frilly mini-skirt outfit that made me think of some loser girl who wishes she was an anime character. Stupid bitch had throwing stars. I started running again. That's all I did was run from these people. Sometimes as I was running I saw there Joker-esque leader standing atop a random building or in a random alleyway. He never tried to attack me, just smiled. It was a fucking game to him.
I'm not sure what to fucking make of it. The joker? Historic haymarket? Ice cream skee-ball machines? Anime characters? Hitmen? Parkour? And the returning problem of my running. It scares me a little and I'm not sure what to make of it. That doesn't help either.
I need to write a book. =[ Someone inspire me. I'm sitting on a couch, with my laptop, in a tanktop, sipping cold coffee, and watching Spongebob, and I'm fucking SWEATING. I hate KB's cheap ass. Of course he turns the air off even though I'm here all day. I need to dust, and plug my laptop in. I'll try and write something later.
Ladel,
Cherry
The End.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Am I Wry? ♥ 5:36 PM
I am so thankful for Misha right now. I came home from a good yet instense meeting with my new therapist. I think I kinda scared her. But I came home to a long, meaningful, loving message on myspace from Misha. Even though she isn't the 'Old Friend' or The Geek, she still cares and takes time to really write me back. I believe what she says about me, Ma, Judas, and my life. I love her. And the last message she wrote me was exactly what I need.
Sooo....my therapist appointment was quite productive, if anything. I didn't like the beginning, because I HATE opening up in front of Ma. But when Ma left, my therapist got some basics. She didn't get all the basics though, because I needed more time, time which was spent with Ma in the room. But she really described me in one word....Overwhelmed. That's me. I have an urgent meeting with Dr. Ayrab, or whatever his real name is, next Thursday, and I see Jill again next Tuesday. She said that since I'm dealing with my past, leaving my friends, trying to please Ma, going to a new school, and also dealing with my own personal thoughts....that working is something I should NOT be doing. That's the first time I've ever heard that.
At first I didn't want to trust her, but she loosened up a bit when Ma wasn't there. And she was able to talk to me in more detail about 'my brain' since I knew the anatomy of my brain, my neurons, my serotonin, my norepinephrine, and my pharms. bad thing was, I broke down completely when she asked about relationships, my ability to relax, my parents, and my high school experience. She actually went to the point of suggesting I spend a few days in 'protective care' so that I could take a break and relax away from everything. I don't think I could deal with that just yet. And for a while, I really wanted to talk to Judas about all this. But I can't. =[
I need to go eat.
Later, maybe.
Cherry
The End.
She Tasted Like Cigarettes ♥ 9:02 AM
Jesus Christ. I am never going to feel better. I couldn't sleep last night...and didn't sleep until 5am-ish. Got up at 8:30 when I'm scheduled for work at 9. I called out. I'm sick, exhausted, and my face permanently looks like it's about to start leaking from the eyes. Fuck OfficeMax. Clinton is full of jobs, and I could get hired anywhere. Plus, I'm supposed to work in the school bookstore. Fuck OfficeMax. It's a lame job that pays shit anyways.
Last night I bought HHGTTG, and a new Palahniuk book. I'm gonne return the Palahniuk book, I need the gas money to get to work. Plus, I realized that right now, my brain can't slow down and focus enough to read. So it does me no good. But I also bought a new Boondock Saints shirt, and an Assassin's Creed poster. I should not have spent my money at all. But it happens.
Then I went to my aunt's house and got to see Aunt Tori, Steph, Gramma B, and even Raymond. I miss Raymond! He was always my closest cousin, and I always felt close to him for some reason. Then Karrie brought Brayden by to Aunt Tori's. Brayden is soooo adorable! He looks just like his Daddy! He even gave me a hug! =D Even though I hardly talked to anyone, and most of the people there were STONERS, I still had a good time just being away from the house.
Like I said, I couldn't sleep last night and it sucked. Walking by Abercrombie & Fitch in the mall didn't help. Either did finishing my scrapbook. But I talked to Misha on myspace for a while, and even though I wrote her a novel each time, it really helped. My cell phone got shut off, which sucks balls. And Judas actually texted me back when I was ohhhh, 5 minutes away from him. Lulz....the irony. And my luck, holy shit, when he DOESN'T ignore me, my phone gets shut off.
I am SO happy to see a therapist today. I hope I like her because I have a lot to say to her. I'm really sick of being so confused, anxious, and worried. Feeling one way makes me feel another way that I don't really feel. Like, I feel like there's no use in getting up and going to work, and that makes me feel worthless. I'm not worthless, and I know this. I hurt because of what Judas did, and then I feel like I hate him. I know for a fact that I don't hate him. But I'm sick of being disorientated.
Holy shit I can't wait for school to start. I can't wait to be distracted. I'm gonna go look for a new job, and watch this sweet video that I've been searching WEEKS for.
Peace Dawg,
Cherry
The End.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Oh...And We Carried It All So Well ♥ 9:51 AM
Gah; Morning. I fell asleep at 10pm last night. I woke up at 9 this morning. 11 god damn hours. WHO THE FUCK SLEEPS ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS? [Besides Claire...she isn't human] Omg. I seriously think I'm sick from too much sleep. I woke up feeling sick, I still feel sick, and I feel as if my body hasn't rested at all. Gross.
The family came home yesterday. How exciting. Not. I'm glad to have Ma back, but KB, Rylee, and Brady I can do without. They unpacked their 'tubs' of clothes and food and crap, and got them put away or something. They started to unpack the tubs and wash clothes today. I wanted to get my box out and wash my clothes. =[ That means no Pantera shirt until school. Lamesauce. But I got to hear stories about how Ma looked like scuba steve with her goggles on. Miroki was sunburnt, and was tubing and the tubing hit a crest and he went airborn and fell on his side, slap against the water. 'KB was laughing so hard he was crying.' I did like the story about my Ma. I could do without the boys and their fishing, and fighting, and arguing, and the over-all testosterone wars. I'd love to go to Longville with a bunch of my friends! Or with Ma, Gail, Kathy, Tori, Karrie, Steph, Lindsey, Toria, etc. But not with this family. I would walk away from any fun activity in hopes of just avoiding KB and Rylee. And that doesn't make it fun for me, but tubing and fishing and camping isn't fun wtih KB and/or Rylee around. Nothing is. Fuck stepdads, and fuck stepsisters. Double fuck the spoiled ones.
I'm not unhappy about their trip. They had fun. They liked it. Good for them. But I went from an amazing Saturday night and Sunday, to driving-six-hours-while-crying-and-ODing-on-caffeine-without-any-food on Monday, relentless-packing-and-then-a-late-movie-with-Mr. Hands on Tuesday, [not to mention the horrid, and painful, and ridiculous phone call that night] to driving-six-hours-while-crying-and-then-being-ignored-when-you're-just-returning-his-things on Wednesday, Thursday....I took vicodin all day and laid around watching movies and drinking coffee, I also managed to walk 4.5 miles, Friday, I walked another 4.5 miles, did laundry, went to Clinton to get paid, get some movies and a wallet, and get my hair cut [which sucks, she cut off LESS than half an inch, stupid bitch] and then popped more vicodin to fall asleep since all I had been doing was eating grapes and hard boiled eggs, downing coffee, and walking/yogging [yes, I mean to use the soft j sound] all fucking day. Yesterday, I woke up and sat around drinking coffee smoking cigarettes in the house. I walked Max to Main St. to drop off a few postsecrets, and other than walking, cleaning, and watching movies, I managed to print out pictures and do some more scrapbooking.
My point of that play-by-play was that I had NO human interaction for over half a week. Wednesday, all I got was a hug from Toasty in the AM. Nothing, zip, nada after that. And you know what? WALMART GREETERS DONT COUNT. Just to keep anyone else from telling me that. So, you go from 1pm Wednesday to 4pm Saturday without REALLY talking on the phone to anyone, and without seeing anyone you care about or who cares about you. I'm amazed I was ONLY popping vicodin. It's harder than you think. Ok, I also have it a little worse, because I don't have enough money to use the gas going to the cities. And who wants to go to the cities alone anyways? I'm stuck in Erie with NO friends anymore. My only friends nearby are Gail who works during the day, and Amber who will be in Waterloo 98% of the time I'm here. So, because of Judas....the whole town of 'Leafs' haha thinks I'm shit. Fuck them. They're all morons anyways. Ma is right, no wonder she fucking left. Anyways, so yeah I opened my mouth and spoke Wednesday night and then didn't until Friday or something.
Anyways. I had no human contact and then five people show up at once all running around and shit. It was hard to deal with.
So then Ma and I went to Lyndon or whatever to get hot wings. Ma wanted hot wings! WOOHOO! Now, I knew that these wings would be nothing compared to WingZone.....nothing compared to BDubs either. But wings are wings here in fucking Erie. So when she comes out of the bar with KB's pizza and our hot wings, she hands me the pizza box topped with styrofoam boxes and says "I hate when I go in places, and people ask me 'Is KB comin' in tonight?'" I didn't know what to say, this is the first time she's mentioned it to me. Apparently some guy that Ma has NEVER seen before came up to her as she was waiting for food and asked her where KB was, and how he was doing, and told her to tell him Hi. She's never seen the man! How the fuck does he know who she is? And how is she gonna tell KB 'hi' for this stranger when she doesn't know his name? She ends by saying, "That man knows everyone and their mother." I'm assuming she meant KB. I decided to be a sour-puss and tell her that I hate walking in places. Oops. I don't, at all. Public society will tear you to shreds if you're not careful. But, I didn't mean EVERYWHERE. I can walk in to Walmart, a gas station, the mall for the most part kinda not really. But, who the fuck wants to walk into a bar in Lyndon where everyone knows everyone and try and get food. Especially me! From far away I'm pry not too bad looking, right? Blonde hair, decent face, big boobs, big ass. From far away in a bar in Lyndon, I'm fucking PREY! Walk into BDubs in downtown Lincoln, ain't nobody looking. Everyone looks here. You're new; you're fresh meat. It really is scary.
Something nice came out of what I said though. Ma gave me a little talk. Most of the time it was mommy-lovey bullshit. She didn't really help me deal with the fact that I have NOBODY around right now. She didn't say anything to help me deal with the fact that I spent four whole days aloooooone. But she did help me deal with this stupid college bullshit. Not one single person in Ashford knows me. Ma, Gail, and like three other women know me. Maybe two students there know me and they got Ma's description of me. Nobody here knows what I used to be like, what other people thought of me, what I used to look like, nothing. NOTHING. They know NOTHING. Everywhere I go around here, they see me and don't know a thing. They have never even heard of me. Well, unless they're friends with Dean, Marx, Ian, Josh, and Judas........but honestly, I don't want to talk to any of their friends anymore. It went from Ian to his friend Marx to his friend Dean to his friend Josh to his friend Judas and honestly, they got worse with time. Each one was worse than the other, in their own respective ways of course. So, no, their friends don't fucking count.
But Ma said 'fuck them.' Plain and simple and coming from my seemingly well-to-do mother who doesn't have a tattoo and lives in Erie with her volunteer firefighting boyfriend. I'll recount some of her words for you: "Fuck Geneseo, they're all stuck-up pieces of shit who know nothing of the world. Fuck your friends here, they don't care about you obviously and that's their fucking loss because Geneseo sure as hell ain't got nothin' like you. Geneseo can't handle you, Sis. Fuck Lincoln, Lincoln isn't the whole world. Fuck all those people you left you behind in the past. Fuck your past, it's over and done with now; it made you strong, it taught you about life, and now it's time to move on and live life. And you know what? Fuck *Judas* (she used his real name) and Fuck North Star, and Fuck every person you passes you by here and in Clinton and everything. Walk around saying Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You in your head. You need to walk around that town like you own it, and believe me, people will think the same way, that you own the damn place. Grow some balls, Brit. It's ok to have them, (I giggled) but grow them and use them. Walk around that school with the idea that you are the best thing to happen to that place, that everyone there should beg for your attention, and that no one there is better than you. Keep focused on what's important, but Fuck the rest." It went on and on.
Thing is, Ma mentioned how her Ma (who was, in her eyes, like my dad) would tell her she would amount to nothing and that she would grow up to be a druggie whore getting abortions with no job and no life. Hmm, sound familiar? I think Ma really was into drugs at my age, I know for a fact my dad didn't do anything except drink and maybe smoke some green here and there. Ma was on X, acid, green, shrooms, coke maybe. I know she was. I think she really was like me. Hated on the outside, but knew she was the shit on this inside. Out with her friends getting fucked up and experiencing the 'pleasures' life has to offer. No shame in that. I must get my fucked up sense of adventure from her. Dad grew up getting drunk and being taken home by the ONE cop in Glenwood and never getting in trouble. Ma was a FREAK. Ohhh I love the thought of her at my age. She must have been just as amazing as me.
But look at her now. Ok, no, don't. Look at her just before she met KB. She had lived in Florida, she had lived in L.A. and dated a man with lots and lots of money. She travelled places for a living, she went nuts on occassion, she got to do what she wanted. Ma was fierce! Now, she's calmed down. I think she would have done better NOT to have had kids before she travelled everywhere, but oh well. I hope I turn out like her....just, without kids. I don't want kids till I'm sick of getting on a plane. Ohhh, sad thoughts.
OH holy shit I almost forgot. Last night, I think.....yeah, last night I saw a BRAND NEW freecreditreportdotcom commercial! Eeeeeee I was so excited! It was about bikes. =/ It's hard to explain. But I loved it. I also realized that I have seen that HughesNet commercial way too many times. I sat between Ma and Brady and quoted the entire damn commercial. And you know what's worse? I HATE THE GIRL! That fucking girl on the commercial is ugly as shit and can't act. Ugh.
I do kinda like commercials sometimes.
So, I need to go start showering and what have you. I'm trying to go to the cities, possibly alone, to get a new book. It's badly needed and Ma knows about how last week went for me, so I think she feels kinda bad. She knows that I had NO book to read at all and she understands what books mean to me. So I'm trying to get one. Plus, I only have one page of scrapbooking left to do and then I'm out of photos.
Ladel,
Cherry
p.s. here's your postsecret for today:
The End.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I'm Fucking Royalty ♥ 11:15 AM
Take the title how you please. It can mean two different things.
=D
So I vaccuumed. I still have to fold some laundry and put it away. Butttt I'm lazy after actually doing something. So I decided to do some more scrapbooking, but uhhh, when I sent my pics to the online walmart photo one-hour bullshit, I sent them to Lincoln. FUCK. Thank god I remembered before I got to Clinton. So I re-ordered them for Clinton and now I have to wait another fucking hour. My bad, babe.
So, should I do laundry and finish my dishes? Or should I just hobo it up and lay on the couch and continue my spongebob marathon for the morning? Sad thing is, I really needed to get to Clinton to get Max some doggy food. And I need to do it before Ma gets home. I also need to switch the cars around. Fuckk me running. I parked Ma's car out front though so that switching them would be easier. I just hate starting my car when whats-his-fuck is outside working on the house. Grrr at neighbors.
I thought about picking up Amber and taking her with me, but that would use quite a bit of gas money and I'm almost broke already. Plus, what the fuck is she gonna do while I scrapbook? Lamesauce. So I hate waiting for shit, and I want to go now. Do I take my squeaky fucking car that is bad on gas, has no ac, and is overheating? Or do I take Ma's car without permission even though it gets better gas, has ac, and a louder stereo system? Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to go fold clothes.
Ladel,
Cherry.
The End.