Friday, August 15, 2008
Good Morning Reasons Why I Drink ♥ 12:35 PM
Hello World!
I woke up at noon today. That might be because I was up till four and a little 'gone.' Oh well. I fell asleep to Pride & Prejudice. Which is nice. I guess. But shortly after I woke up, Gail called. That helped.
Anyways. Today is Friday. Today is payday. Today, I pay my cell phone bill, get a haircut, and just might get a new tattoo. Depends on how much Adam charges for my second star. It would be nice to get another tat done. Especially after feeling so much hurt lately. Hopefully I can afford it. It would be a nice little something for myself. Atleast I'll get my hair cut though. I really need it. My hair is way too thick, and just needs taken care of.
So, I did some thinking and I've realized that it's hopeless. Seriously, I'm the single most niave person ever. I have been played like never before. It's one thing to believe what someone says when they say you're beautiful or that they really like you. It's another thing to believe someone when they say that you mean so much to them, and that you're 'real,' and that they love you and that you make them strong. It was perfect, for him. He said EVERYTHING that this broken, lonely girl needed to hear. And I fell so fucking hard. I believed that he needed my help, that he hurt, that I was important to him. He really just pulled every fucking string that he could just to get into my pants. It worked. And the ending he pulled was perfect. 'I just don't feel the same way that you do.' Wow. He never did, that's the problem.
I wanted his happiness because I believed he was something special. He's not. He just took pages from every book his friends have written. I fell for his lies, just like all the other girls fall for his friends' lies. He knew what he wanted from me, he got it, and then left. He turned out to be just like all the other scum around here. He was just better at it. I bet he says the same thing to every other girl he meets.'Oh, you're like me. You're broken and hurt. You make me feel OK with myself. You're my everything.'
Jesus christ, was I really that dumb?
Apparently, because even after he hurt me I still wanted him to be happy. He could care less. Amazing. I have to admit, that was well played. He's got skill, no doubt about it.
So what do I do to fix it? I'm not sure. Starving myself, working out all day, vicodin, food, music, writing.....none of that has helped. So, we'll see what I try next.
On a much lighter note: I managed to walk a total of 4.5 miles yesterday. Woohoo! I also had about a twenty minute snack-attack and had a cookie and some chips. Oops. But, I'm trying to keep myself from drinking the Mt. Dew in the fridge, and drink water instead. I've been pretty good about drinking water for the past few days. My only 'bad' thing I intake right now is coffee. In the end, coffee does a good thing for me but I won't talk about it. I want to get on the treadmill before I shower, but by the time I shower and get ready, I will be running short on time to get to Office Max and then to Walmart and cash my check. I need smokes, gas, and a haircut. Maybe I'll pick up some fancy hair dye and some healthy snacks. Maybe some apples? Yum. And then I need to drive my squeaky car to Us Cellular and pay my bill. I wish I had the nerve to waste my money and get to a bookstore and buy a new book. I'll atleast look at Walmart. I can't bring myself to read 'the book' after realizing that he almost used it as an excuse. Sorry, won't talk about him now.
So, this Friday night I will be home alone, doing more laundry, and cleaning the house. I have to vaccuum everywhere, sweep the kitchen and the front landing, clean all the counters, do all my dishes, and completely finish the laundry. I still haven't washed my sheets. =/ Only one person, maybe two, knows why that is kinda bad. Haha. Atleast I enjoyed that time. HAHAHA. I believe that Ma should arive home sometime tomorrow, or Sunday. I don't know yet. Maybe I will invite Gail over for a movie or something later if I get my shit done.
And speaking of good things that happened yesterday: I washed all my hoodies! The cheerleader and I had a texting spree and it was nice to hear [read] her bitchy yet loving attitude. I miss her. The Geek, and the Old Friend never really talked to me much. And of course, Judas ignored me. So much for having a friend. >.< Sorry.
I wish I could have a pen-pal over text. A text-pal. That would rock.
Today, I will wear no makeup again! =D And my hair will be half-assed. And I'm just getting it trimmed at some cheap-ass chop shop. I don't care, I just want it trimmed and thin. Plus, I'm wearing my glasses. So I'll look so scrubbed out. I'm excited for it. Hopefully I don't work tomorrow, that would suck nuts. I get next week's schedule today, ANDDDD, I need to make sure I'm free Monday since I have a therapist appointment. Finally, a new person to listen to me and actually help. Even though she's paid to do it, it's got to be better than being lied to.
So, if you know me and know my number.....feel free to text me. Maybe we can go to the mall and I'll get myself something special. Or we can get out nails done. Eeeee! I need someone around me. I've been completely alone for about three days now. No wonder I was doing stupid shit late at night.
Peace&&Love
[to everyone, but mostly to those who have given it to me]
Cherry Darling
The End.