Friday, August 15, 2008
I Hope That You Like it in Your Little Motel ♥ 3:20 AM
So, there's this boy. We'll call him Judas. Judas is two years my junior, with piercing green eyes and dirty blonde hair tinged with bits of red in sunlight. He spoke softly with words that can only come from someone who has seen something he shouldn't have. I met him in over spring break of my senior year. He hardly spoke to me out of complete devotion to his current girlfriend. He reminded me of a special someone who was once a major part of my life. We never spoke again until I attended a poker game with my exboyfriend. He asked for my number by handing me his phone. I tried flirting all night, he was oblivious. We managed to "cuddle" for about two minutes until the awkwardness set in. He even came to my rescue when my ex got much too close for comfort. Judas managed to save me without knowing it.
After that, we started texting quite a bit for a few days and decided to hang out on a Tuesday night after I got off of work. We talked about giving up drugs, strength, and basic views on how to treat life. Not many people can talk about that, especially to someone they 'just met.' I was amazed. He said in one text that what he liked most about me was that I seemed comfortable in my own skin and that I was strong. I felt better about myself, just to read a text like that from someone who had just started texting me.
Our first time spent together was simple, fun, and sweet. We ate subway, rode his atv until the storm made us return home. Soaked. We kissed. We spent several hours on the hood of his car talking, late in to early morning. We slept next to each other that night, even though it was our 'first date.' He treated me with respect and reverance. I was excited simply by the innocence of it.
Since that day he took me out for a nice dinner, we went shopping for new shirts for him, we drove around, we talked all the time, blah blah blah. It was short, but my proverbial heart exploded with feelings I had hardly ever felt in my life. We spent one night on his bed talking. I listened to his story. You know, one of those stories about an event that truly changed your life. Right after he had finished his story, he performed a half-assed ritual that truly meant the world to him. I felt awkward to stand by his side as he attempted to let go of pain that had gripped him for so long. That Saturday night, we officially gained the title of boyfriend/girlfriend. It sounds pathetic, but it meant so much to me.
We spent quite a bit of time together in the short time we had any sort of relationship, even as friends. But I learned so much about myself, and I accepted so much about life just from talking to him. Its hard to understand what can really happen between two people in only a couple weeks. We stopped 'dating' just a few days ago. He said he realized that the feelings weren't mutual the moment my car left his driveway to return home to get the last few boxes of stuff for my dorm. After hearing those three words exit his mouth, and after trying so hard to take away the hurt he was always feeling.......he feels nothing towards me. After he told me [I was still in my hometown by the way] that he doesn't want to be with me, he has said two words to me. Thank you. Via text, too. I'm assuming he is thanking me for the letter I wrote him in which I confess to wanting nothing but his happiness and hoping that we can still be friends. It's much more detailed and sappy, but you get the point. He has ignored any other texts I have sent him.
The most important thing about this whole painful ordeal is how I learned about unconditional love. I hurt most when I saw him cry. I hurt most when he admitted to painful memories or feelings. When he told me that I wasn't his everything like he had said before, I never begged him to open his eyes and see that he was wrong. I never tried to keep him by my side. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I knew that his happiness would not come with being burdened by my pain. I see myself in him, and I know what he is dealing with. Deep down, I think he is just afraid of too many things right now. I know how that feels. He doesn't need me to make him feel worse by knowing how bad it really hurt to be completely cast aside. All my friends tell me that he isn't worth it, that I don't need to waste my time and energy on someone who undeserving. But honestly, Judas [fitting nickname, huh?] needs me. He doesn't see it yet, but he needs the love and support that I can give. And I can give him the most because I know what he's going through. I am able to sit here and wish for his happiness on every shooting star I have seen in the past five days. I can sit alone in my house and hope he's happy, even though I've been crying for hours. And THAT is something that I have NEVER felt in my life before. That has to mean something, right? I mean, the higher being or ultimate force that shapes lives and events around us must mean something by making me feel this way about one person.
I will never forget how strong he made me feel. I will never lose the happiness I felt when I was just sitting there talking to him. I will always remember how beautiful I felt, inside and out, when he really looked at me. The way he made/makes me feel is something so new, and innocent, and special and I hope it never goes away.
But, the selfish part of me is constantly wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to stay with me. Any girl who loves a boy, especially one as amazing and glorious as Judas, will wonder what is so wrong with her that he doesn't want to be with her. That might explain my constant over-analyzation of myself, my lack of appetite, and my new found love with my mom's treadmill. The selfish, romantic, emotional girl inside me wants to call him, crying and sobbing, begging him to say that he wasn't lying all this time and that he really does love me and want to be with me.
He told me, "If we cross paths again, it will be for a reason." That says to me, 'for now, leave me the fuck alone!'
No matter what, I will always love Judas, and will always do anything in my power to make him happy. I pray and pray and beg that he sees that.
Until next time,
Cherry Darling
The End.