Gah; Morning. I fell asleep at 10pm last night. I woke up at 9 this morning. 11 god damn hours. WHO THE FUCK SLEEPS ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS? [Besides Claire...she isn't human] Omg. I seriously think I'm sick from too much sleep. I woke up feeling sick, I still feel sick, and I feel as if my body hasn't rested at all. Gross.

The family came home yesterday. How exciting. Not. I'm glad to have Ma back, but KB, Rylee, and Brady I can do without. They unpacked their 'tubs' of clothes and food and crap, and got them put away or something. They started to unpack the tubs and wash clothes today. I wanted to get my box out and wash my clothes. =[ That means no Pantera shirt until school. Lamesauce. But I got to hear stories about how Ma looked like scuba steve with her goggles on. Miroki was sunburnt, and was tubing and the tubing hit a crest and he went airborn and fell on his side, slap against the water. 'KB was laughing so hard he was crying.' I did like the story about my Ma. I could do without the boys and their fishing, and fighting, and arguing, and the over-all testosterone wars. I'd love to go to Longville with a bunch of my friends! Or with Ma, Gail, Kathy, Tori, Karrie, Steph, Lindsey, Toria, etc. But not with this family. I would walk away from any fun activity in hopes of just avoiding KB and Rylee. And that doesn't make it fun for me, but tubing and fishing and camping isn't fun wtih KB and/or Rylee around. Nothing is. Fuck stepdads, and fuck stepsisters. Double fuck the spoiled ones.

I'm not unhappy about their trip. They had fun. They liked it. Good for them. But I went from an amazing Saturday night and Sunday, to driving-six-hours-while-crying-and-ODing-on-caffeine-without-any-food on Monday, relentless-packing-and-then-a-late-movie-with-Mr. Hands on Tuesday, [not to mention the horrid, and painful, and ridiculous phone call that night] to driving-six-hours-while-crying-and-then-being-ignored-when-you're-just-returning-his-things on Wednesday, Thursday....I took vicodin all day and laid around watching movies and drinking coffee, I also managed to walk 4.5 miles, Friday, I walked another 4.5 miles, did laundry, went to Clinton to get paid, get some movies and a wallet, and get my hair cut [which sucks, she cut off LESS than half an inch, stupid bitch] and then popped more vicodin to fall asleep since all I had been doing was eating grapes and hard boiled eggs, downing coffee, and walking/yogging [yes, I mean to use the soft j sound] all fucking day. Yesterday, I woke up and sat around drinking coffee smoking cigarettes in the house. I walked Max to Main St. to drop off a few postsecrets, and other than walking, cleaning, and watching movies, I managed to print out pictures and do some more scrapbooking.

My point of that play-by-play was that I had NO human interaction for over half a week. Wednesday, all I got was a hug from Toasty in the AM. Nothing, zip, nada after that. And you know what? WALMART GREETERS DONT COUNT. Just to keep anyone else from telling me that. So, you go from 1pm Wednesday to 4pm Saturday without REALLY talking on the phone to anyone, and without seeing anyone you care about or who cares about you. I'm amazed I was ONLY popping vicodin. It's harder than you think. Ok, I also have it a little worse, because I don't have enough money to use the gas going to the cities. And who wants to go to the cities alone anyways? I'm stuck in Erie with NO friends anymore. My only friends nearby are Gail who works during the day, and Amber who will be in Waterloo 98% of the time I'm here. So, because of Judas....the whole town of 'Leafs' haha thinks I'm shit. Fuck them. They're all morons anyways. Ma is right, no wonder she fucking left. Anyways, so yeah I opened my mouth and spoke Wednesday night and then didn't until Friday or something.

Anyways. I had no human contact and then five people show up at once all running around and shit. It was hard to deal with.

So then Ma and I went to Lyndon or whatever to get hot wings. Ma wanted hot wings! WOOHOO! Now, I knew that these wings would be nothing compared to WingZone.....nothing compared to BDubs either. But wings are wings here in fucking Erie. So when she comes out of the bar with KB's pizza and our hot wings, she hands me the pizza box topped with styrofoam boxes and says "I hate when I go in places, and people ask me 'Is KB comin' in tonight?'" I didn't know what to say, this is the first time she's mentioned it to me. Apparently some guy that Ma has NEVER seen before came up to her as she was waiting for food and asked her where KB was, and how he was doing, and told her to tell him Hi. She's never seen the man! How the fuck does he know who she is? And how is she gonna tell KB 'hi' for this stranger when she doesn't know his name? She ends by saying, "That man knows everyone and their mother." I'm assuming she meant KB. I decided to be a sour-puss and tell her that I hate walking in places. Oops. I don't, at all. Public society will tear you to shreds if you're not careful. But, I didn't mean EVERYWHERE. I can walk in to Walmart, a gas station, the mall for the most part kinda not really. But, who the fuck wants to walk into a bar in Lyndon where everyone knows everyone and try and get food. Especially me! From far away I'm pry not too bad looking, right? Blonde hair, decent face, big boobs, big ass. From far away in a bar in Lyndon, I'm fucking PREY! Walk into BDubs in downtown Lincoln, ain't nobody looking. Everyone looks here. You're new; you're fresh meat. It really is scary.

Something nice came out of what I said though. Ma gave me a little talk. Most of the time it was mommy-lovey bullshit. She didn't really help me deal with the fact that I have NOBODY around right now. She didn't say anything to help me deal with the fact that I spent four whole days aloooooone. But she did help me deal with this stupid college bullshit. Not one single person in Ashford knows me. Ma, Gail, and like three other women know me. Maybe two students there know me and they got Ma's description of me. Nobody here knows what I used to be like, what other people thought of me, what I used to look like, nothing. NOTHING. They know NOTHING. Everywhere I go around here, they see me and don't know a thing. They have never even heard of me. Well, unless they're friends with Dean, Marx, Ian, Josh, and Judas........but honestly, I don't want to talk to any of their friends anymore. It went from Ian to his friend Marx to his friend Dean to his friend Josh to his friend Judas and honestly, they got worse with time. Each one was worse than the other, in their own respective ways of course. So, no, their friends don't fucking count.

But Ma said 'fuck them.' Plain and simple and coming from my seemingly well-to-do mother who doesn't have a tattoo and lives in Erie with her volunteer firefighting boyfriend. I'll recount some of her words for you: "Fuck Geneseo, they're all stuck-up pieces of shit who know nothing of the world. Fuck your friends here, they don't care about you obviously and that's their fucking loss because Geneseo sure as hell ain't got nothin' like you. Geneseo can't handle you, Sis. Fuck Lincoln, Lincoln isn't the whole world. Fuck all those people you left you behind in the past. Fuck your past, it's over and done with now; it made you strong, it taught you about life, and now it's time to move on and live life. And you know what? Fuck *Judas* (she used his real name) and Fuck North Star, and Fuck every person you passes you by here and in Clinton and everything. Walk around saying Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You in your head. You need to walk around that town like you own it, and believe me, people will think the same way, that you own the damn place. Grow some balls, Brit. It's ok to have them, (I giggled) but grow them and use them. Walk around that school with the idea that you are the best thing to happen to that place, that everyone there should beg for your attention, and that no one there is better than you. Keep focused on what's important, but Fuck the rest." It went on and on.

Thing is, Ma mentioned how her Ma (who was, in her eyes, like my dad) would tell her she would amount to nothing and that she would grow up to be a druggie whore getting abortions with no job and no life. Hmm, sound familiar? I think Ma really was into drugs at my age, I know for a fact my dad didn't do anything except drink and maybe smoke some green here and there. Ma was on X, acid, green, shrooms, coke maybe. I know she was. I think she really was like me. Hated on the outside, but knew she was the shit on this inside. Out with her friends getting fucked up and experiencing the 'pleasures' life has to offer. No shame in that. I must get my fucked up sense of adventure from her. Dad grew up getting drunk and being taken home by the ONE cop in Glenwood and never getting in trouble. Ma was a FREAK. Ohhh I love the thought of her at my age. She must have been just as amazing as me.

But look at her now. Ok, no, don't. Look at her just before she met KB. She had lived in Florida, she had lived in L.A. and dated a man with lots and lots of money. She travelled places for a living, she went nuts on occassion, she got to do what she wanted. Ma was fierce! Now, she's calmed down. I think she would have done better NOT to have had kids before she travelled everywhere, but oh well. I hope I turn out like her....just, without kids. I don't want kids till I'm sick of getting on a plane. Ohhh, sad thoughts.

OH holy shit I almost forgot. Last night, I think.....yeah, last night I saw a BRAND NEW freecreditreportdotcom commercial! Eeeeeee I was so excited! It was about bikes. =/ It's hard to explain. But I loved it. I also realized that I have seen that HughesNet commercial way too many times. I sat between Ma and Brady and quoted the entire damn commercial. And you know what's worse? I HATE THE GIRL! That fucking girl on the commercial is ugly as shit and can't act. Ugh.

I do kinda like commercials sometimes.

So, I need to go start showering and what have you. I'm trying to go to the cities, possibly alone, to get a new book. It's badly needed and Ma knows about how last week went for me, so I think she feels kinda bad. She knows that I had NO book to read at all and she understands what books mean to me. So I'm trying to get one. Plus, I only have one page of scrapbooking left to do and then I'm out of photos.

Ladel,

Cherry

p.s. here's your postsecret for today: